I’ve been thinking a lot lately

About my spleen

And how poorly I know it

Like a relative who’s name you might know

But who’s exact relation to you is a complete mystery

I have nothing against my spleen

On the contrary!

I think it is a fine organ

Doing whatever it is it does

Wherever it might happen to be

I have used the term “vent my spleen” before

But have no idea what it means

It must be a metaphor of some sort

But when I try to picture it

I am rather disgusted

And it takes a while

For the image of a big aluminum tube sticking out of my body

To go away

My pet tiger

Is going to love me

I’ll keep it on my roof

And let it eat what it can find

Neigbours and dogs and garbage men

There is a large amount of food in the area

And for those who will say this isn’t right

That tigers don’t belong in the city

I will say to them

“Do people belong in Tiger country?”

And they will look at me and say

“You’re crazy”

And then my tiger will eat them

Or maybe eat me

We’re all just meat to a tiger

Okay, so I was at the doctor’s

And he said

Do you have any health problems?

And I said

You’re the doctor, you tell me

And he said

I think you might be a little confrontational

And I said

Is that a health problem now?

Is everything a health problem?

Can’t someone just be sad?

Or excited?

Or shy?

Or angry?

Does every single human emotion have to be a disorder nowadays?

Huh?

Huh?

Well does it?

The doctor looked at me and said

Unfortunately for you, there is still no cure for being an asshole

But…

I still got some sleeping pills off him

Me and my buddies used to pretend to be seniors

We’d hunch over and say things like

“Get off my lawn”

Or

“Kids these days”

Or

“Why don’t you respect your elders?”

And we’d laugh and laugh at the decrepit old people

Now my opinion is changing

I recently said

“Kids these days”

Without irony

I haven’t said

“Why don’t you respect your elders”

Yet

But I have thought it

And the only reason I haven’t said

“Get off my lawn”

Is that my front yard is tiny

And is mainly one big tree

So there is no lawn for kids to get on

Or off of for that matter

But all I really want to do

Is reach back in time

And slap myself in the face

I shall live off the earth

I shall make a shelter out of the things you find in the earth

Like mud and dirt and dead animals

I shall eat the things from the earth

Like mud and dirt and dead animals

And I shall be happy back in the circle of life

I will revel in my new existence

Free of the tyranny of conveniece

Every day will be a nasty struggle for survival

Perhaps I will have no water

And need to drink my pee

Doesn’t that sound like fun?

I shall make myself a coat in the winter

Of a thousand tiny mice carcasses

Or perhaps out of raccoons that have been flattened on the highway

It will smell

Because I don’t know how to tan things

But it will be the smell of the wild!

And when I die

Oh, glorious day when I die!

I shall rot where I fall

There will be no stone

No monument

Just happy little critters

Enjoying their meal…

I think I’ll turn on the TV

And order a pizza

I named the ant

Just before I stepped on it

I wanted to see if it would feel different if we knew each other on a personal level

It did

I miss Ted

Even though we’d just been introduced

I wondered if Godzilla

Would have done all that trampling

If he’d known the names of the people

That would soon be hanging on his feet like old gum

Would anyone kill anything if it had a name?

Would we eat Porky or chew on Puffball?

I went to the store

I called the pork loin Millicent

I ate it anyway

It was a little chewy

I have less friends now

We didn’t fall out

Or have an argument over politics

Or religion

Or Miss Universe

Just a weariness of talking

Same things

Nothing new

Maybe I should read more

Or have a hobby or something

Maybe that’s the problem

But actually…

It’s probably just that I don’t drink as much as I used to

Never again

I will never, ever, do that again

Except once, just quickly

And then I’ll do it another time

And another

And another

And I will want to cut off my hands

But I won’t

Because they are quite useful

Handy, even

And besides, although it’s easy to cut off the first one

It’s much harder to cut off the second

You could do it

But it would be a nuisance

So instead I will use willpower

And simply not do that again

Never, ever, never, ever…

I just did it

I am weak

Sometimes I wonder what the world would be like

If I wasn’t here to wonder about it

It would probably be the same

Although my part in things would be somewhat diminished

Not like I have a big say or anything as it stands now

Really, I’m not the Messiah

Or a captain of industry

Or even a crossing guard

But these words would not have been written

And that’s something

Right?

Hello?

Hello?