I’ve been thinking a lot lately
About my spleen
And how poorly I know it
Like a relative who’s name you might know
But who’s exact relation to you is a complete mystery
I have nothing against my spleen
On the contrary!
I think it is a fine organ
Doing whatever it is it does
Wherever it might happen to be
I have used the term “vent my spleen” before
But have no idea what it means
It must be a metaphor of some sort
But when I try to picture it
I am rather disgusted
And it takes a while
For the image of a big aluminum tube sticking out of my body
To go away
Getting a hair cut! Ligers! Killer Lawnmowers!
Perhaps you have heard the saying
To every cat there is a poodle
Or maybe not
Because I just made it up
Pretty good, isn’t it?
For me, anyway
Well, what have you got?
C’mon, sure it seems easy
But I challenge you to make up something nearly as witty
And pithy
And vibrant
And resonant
… that’s a good word, isn’t it?
Resonant
I will say it again
Resonant
You should try it
You need to say it in as low a voice as possible
And in a nice echo-y place
Like a stairwell
Or a bathroom
Or the bottom of the well
Where perhaps you have fallen
Or been thrown in by your ungrateful children
Resonant
Resonant
Episode Twenty Four! Still completely non-visual! Thor! Gratuitous bonus song!
My pet tiger
Is going to love me
I’ll keep it on my roof
And let it eat what it can find
Neigbours and dogs and garbage men
There is a large amount of food in the area
And for those who will say this isn’t right
That tigers don’t belong in the city
I will say to them
“Do people belong in Tiger country?”
And they will look at me and say
“You’re crazy”
And then my tiger will eat them
Or maybe eat me
We’re all just meat to a tiger
Episode Twenty Three! Behind on my sleep! Alleged Alliteration! Gunter the Mountain Clown!
Okay, so I was at the doctor’s
And he said
Do you have any health problems?
And I said
You’re the doctor, you tell me
And he said
I think you might be a little confrontational
And I said
Is that a health problem now?
Is everything a health problem?
Can’t someone just be sad?
Or excited?
Or shy?
Or angry?
Does every single human emotion have to be a disorder nowadays?
Huh?
Huh?
Well does it?
The doctor looked at me and said
Unfortunately for you, there is still no cure for being an asshole
But…
I still got some sleeping pills off him
Me and my buddies used to pretend to be seniors
We’d hunch over and say things like
“Get off my lawn”
Or
“Kids these days”
Or
“Why don’t you respect your elders?”
And we’d laugh and laugh at the decrepit old people
Now my opinion is changing
I recently said
“Kids these days”
Without irony
I haven’t said
“Why don’t you respect your elders”
Yet
But I have thought it
And the only reason I haven’t said
“Get off my lawn”
Is that my front yard is tiny
And is mainly one big tree
So there is no lawn for kids to get on
Or off of for that matter
But all I really want to do
Is reach back in time
And slap myself in the face
Episode Twenty Two! Painting the front porch! Taking exams! Funny Animal Song!
I shall live off the earth
I shall make a shelter out of the things you find in the earth
Like mud and dirt and dead animals
I shall eat the things from the earth
Like mud and dirt and dead animals
And I shall be happy back in the circle of life
I will revel in my new existence
Free of the tyranny of conveniece
Every day will be a nasty struggle for survival
Perhaps I will have no water
And need to drink my pee
Doesn’t that sound like fun?
I shall make myself a coat in the winter
Of a thousand tiny mice carcasses
Or perhaps out of raccoons that have been flattened on the highway
It will smell
Because I don’t know how to tan things
But it will be the smell of the wild!
And when I die
Oh, glorious day when I die!
I shall rot where I fall
There will be no stone
No monument
Just happy little critters
Enjoying their meal…
I think I’ll turn on the TV
And order a pizza