I named the ant

Just before I stepped on it

I wanted to see if it would feel different if we knew each other on a personal level

It did

I miss Ted

Even though we’d just been introduced

I wondered if Godzilla

Would have done all that trampling

If he’d known the names of the people

That would soon be hanging on his feet like old gum

Would anyone kill anything if it had a name?

Would we eat Porky or chew on Puffball?

I went to the store

I called the pork loin Millicent

I ate it anyway

It was a little chewy

Episode Twenty One! Why did the chicken cross the road? Stepping on small animals! The best rap song ever!

I have less friends now

We didn’t fall out

Or have an argument over politics

Or religion

Or Miss Universe

Just a weariness of talking

Same things

Nothing new

Maybe I should read more

Or have a hobby or something

Maybe that’s the problem

But actually…

It’s probably just that I don’t drink as much as I used to

Never again

I will never, ever, do that again

Except once, just quickly

And then I’ll do it another time

And another

And another

And I will want to cut off my hands

But I won’t

Because they are quite useful

Handy, even

And besides, although it’s easy to cut off the first one

It’s much harder to cut off the second

You could do it

But it would be a nuisance

So instead I will use willpower

And simply not do that again

Never, ever, never, ever…

I just did it

I am weak

Episode Twenty! Patron Saint of Green Beer! False dichotomy! Realistic love song!

Sometimes I wonder what the world would be like

If I wasn’t here to wonder about it

It would probably be the same

Although my part in things would be somewhat diminished

Not like I have a big say or anything as it stands now

Really, I’m not the Messiah

Or a captain of industry

Or even a crossing guard

But these words would not have been written

And that’s something

Right?

Hello?

Hello?

“Redundancy! Redundancy!”

Notice how I said it twice

That is irony

Because the second ‘Redundancy’ is redundant

At least, I think it’s ironic

To be honest, I’m a little fuzzy on the meaning of the term

I once stubbed my toe on a chair that I had moved so that wouldn’t run into it

“Jiminy Cricket!” I yelled

Then I smiled, for it was ironic

Right?

Then another time, I was making dinner for a friend

Then at the last minute the friend called and said, “I can’t make it”

“Deceitful Villain!” I yelled

Then I ate all the food myself

Then I smiled because it was so ironic

Then I stopped smiling

Because

I thought maybe it wasn’t ironic at all

Then I had indigestion

“Flip my gimlets!” I yelled

Then I smiled again

Because

I figured it was probably ironic indigestion

Still I wasn’t sure

I looked it up once

But I still don’t get it

Episode Nineteen! Really Late! Raw Blubber! Fecal Tsunami! Frat cat!

It seems so easy to just sit down and work

Yet I do not do it

I find other things to fill my time

Important things

Like counting my toes

Or following a vein from my finger all the way up my arm

Or looking at a wall

Or walking into a room and forgetting why I’m there

Then leaving the room

Then remembering and entering again

Only to forget and go back

Yes, very important things

But is work really important?

Is my life the sum of my work?

Or is it the sum of my procrastination?

I will figure this out later

Five

Cannibalism has never appealed to me

Which is good, because it is hard food to find

Even though I am surrounded by people

What I mean is, there are no good cannibal restaurants in my neighbourhood

Not even any bad ones

I suppose I could go catch my own food

By I don’t even do that with pigs

Or cows

Or lettuce

And besides, I’m not really into it

Not fascinated by it at all

It’s all rather gross if you ask me

But…

If you did know of a good restaurant serving cannibalistic cuisine

And you reserved a nice table by the window

And you were paying

I’d probably go

I wouldn’t want to be rude